I know when it comes to normal, I'm far from center. Granted, normal is totally relative, I am still, however, not one to set the bar by.
Yet, even though I know I am "different," jaded, cynical, bitter, cold, or any other adjective you could come up with that describes "heart broken & hesitant," - I know I should not be scared of happiness.
But -
I am absolutely terrified of happiness.
Terrified.
I know I should be relishing this point in my life after years of pain, disappointment, hard work, dedication, blood.sweat.tears., and paying dues I never knew I had to pay. Yet, I am having trouble handling it all. I simply can't enjoy it and take it all in without flinching or trying to stay "grounded" in my reality.
I'm screwed up from years of falling, stumbling, tripping; scraping knees, elbows, hands; leaving permanent scars. My shattered little heart has even run away and refuses to come home, leaving an aching cold hole where it lived.
I get screwed over in life, I don't get to have this kind of happiness.
That is all I can think.
So this leaves me anticipating and waiting for the crash that I know is just around the corner...or so I think.
I can't be pleased with every aspect of my life, it just does not happen. Ever.
So either hell has frozen over or I have started getting back what I've been paying in.
It must be an ice storm down there....
And since this new reality I have stumbled upon is incredible and what I have been trying to get to for so long, I want to run.
Run as far away from all of things I have in my life right now that don't fit with what I know.
What I know in my concept of reality is nothing ever works out. Expect the disappointment and the rain. Never let anyone get too close or see your vulnerable side. Trust no one - ever. Love doesn't actually exist, it's a fairy tale.
Yea, see what I meant about normal & cynical.
So here I am, surrounded by my hopes and dreams that I burried under the scars from all the pain & dissapointment I have overcome.
And yet,
No comments:
Post a Comment